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Reply to comment by /u/Xylanthius in Friday Free Talk by /u/ThreadBot

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noordinaryspider wrote

I think that what you said was very comforting. I also think that it was not directed personally at my illustrious self because I am simply not that important or that good of a writer to have caught your eye and deserved that kind of effort and thought.

I have been noticing your posts and enjoying them. Even though this one was not directed towards someone in the process of mourning a loss, I found it very comforting and probably right up there with "the only thing that helped" that GaldraChevaliere said to me when I couldn't eat or sleep for two weeks.

We make the "crazies running around the streets babbling incoherently at themselves" when we deny others their right to grieve and ourselves the right to feel compassion.

It is not my behaviour that makes normalsuccessfulwypipo dismiss me as a nutcase but the enormity of my tragedy--they cannot conceptualize themselves being able to survive this type of loss so they see what they want to see.

Other women I know who have experienced loss have had to abandon their lives and create "alternate identities" where they just don't mention that they were ever mothers or wives or students or whatever their former identity, their former reason for living, their former answer to the inspid question, "Hi yourname. My name is myname and I'm a doctor. What do you do?"

It's like DIY witness protection program and we all do it and none of us want to talk about it because it's embarrassing as well as excruciatingly painful.

Reply to comment by /u/Qwerty11 in Lifting clothes by /u/Qwerty11

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Uk_Lifts wrote

Thought the s3 key was just for electronics getting spider wrap off & alpha boxes not clothes? If ur interested in clothes you really need to invest in a golf 15000gs detacher I got mine from eBay for 20 quid gets loads of different tags off

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Xylanthius wrote

Not conforming to female beauty standards totally has a negative effect on how people perceive and interact with you. It sucks.

By the way why after you have a child you gain weight? Does your metabolism slow down after that? Why do some women gain weight permanently and others do not?

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RosaReborn wrote

I wonder what it will be like 100 years from now

I hope better. There is a greater awareness and some people are changing to better allies of women and marginalized peoples but some are recoiling even more into hate. Maybe I'm just more aware of hateful people now but it seems like they are emboldened and take even the slightest attack on their oppression as a war on them as individuals

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bloodrose wrote

I have transcended a desire to be beautiful. Why be beautiful? For other people to enjoy gazing at me? Fuck that. I don't want to be anything. I want to do things. Spending time trying to be something takes time away from doing things. I am appearance ambivalent.

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bloodrose wrote

No, I'm actually fat. I'm considered obese. It's to the point that I can't get any healthcare from a doctor that isn't "take these diet pills". FYI: As someone who is fat, when someone says "you're not fat" what I hear is "fat is bad." Suggesting I might not actually be fat is a lesser degree. I only say this so you can be aware when you are dealing with other fat people in the future. You seem sincerely kind, so not judging; just informing you.

When I was younger and thinner, I had a lot of the types of experiences you are talking about with random men talking to me or giving me things. It was very uncomfortable to be in public at all. At any time, I could randomly have those experiences. Being fat and older, I don't have very many of these random experiences anymore.

As to anxiety about your appearance: I'm so sorry it affects your life that hard. I personally have given up on trying to look beautiful. I'm pissed that I still have to do some beautification for work - and I've noticed that my not fully conforming to female beauty standards does have a negative affect on how people perceive and interact with me. I just care a bit more about freedom than the impact.

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bloodrose wrote

I'm hunting everywhere and I can't find the comic that perfectly explains the difference so I'll just have to try to muddle through without a succinct explanation:

What you are likely calling male sexual objectification is the increasing numbers of shirtless well-muscled men in movies and television. But what you are seeing is male wish-fulfillment. Men want to be stronger, tougher, etc. This isn't an objectification for women, it's for men.

Literally, the men that women find attractive on television and movies, are not what you would call sexualized. Benedict Cumberbatch is a prime example: Steven Moffat had to fight with the BBC to cast him because they thought there was no way women would find him attractive. Chris Pratt was adored as Andy in Parks and Rec (when he was not muscular and fit, when he was chubby and cuddly). I can list more examples.

Now women, on the other hand, are presented in media as meat. See, The Male Gaze.

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Xylanthius wrote

Thank you for sharing this.

Are you really fat though? or do you just think you are fat? how fat is fat? What do you think fat is?

I think i am fat, but my therapist says i'm not fat. I have a lot of shame surrounding my weight. and anxiety. I think i'm fat, but i know i'm not fat, but i think i am. it's hard to explain. My thoughts should be filled with something besides what i look like. it gives me a lot of anxiety.

my therapist tells me that many many women would just be dying to look like me. men sometimes stop me at the grocery store to tell me i'm beautiful and to ask me for my number randomly. the other day i was washing my car and a man gave me a handfull of tokens and told me this was for the next time i come and to come back soon. another time when i was washing my car a man came up to me and gave me a shammy and asked me for my phone number. the mail man asked me what my name was at my work and told me that i looked fine. yet i have extreme extreme anxiety about the way i look that it significantly decreases the quality of my life.

i sometimes feel like i need to be hypnotized or something. i wonder if this is a common experience amongst women, or if it's just my crazy crazy head to feel this way. whenever i see someone with a camera i hide and run and hide and i make for certainly sure that i am no where near range of coming into contact with the scope of the other side of the lens because i don't ever want my ugliness to be captured. it's terrifying to me that someone would be able to see me. I would wear a mask if i could.

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adblocker wrote

That's what I mean. Suppose you have 1 man and 5 women. 1 man can get all of those 5 women pregnant at the same time. That's 5 babies in 9 months.

Now suppose you have 5 men and 1 woman. 5 men can't all get that same woman pregnant. At most you can have 1 baby in 9 months (assuming no twins or whatever).

The propagation of the species is limited by the number of women you have, not by the number of men. As long as you have a single man, you can keep going easily enough. So women are more valuable in this sense.

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adblocker wrote

"But what about old women? Or do men just crave the validation of young pretty women?"

Hard to say. Think of it this way, if you like someone and they like you back, it feels really good. But if you are neutral about someone and they like you, it still feels good, but maybe not the same amount in the same way. This isn't to say that older women can't be unattractive or that a younger man couldn't like an older woman. I mean, my parents are still married, and as far as I know, still have sex with each other, and my mother is long since through menopause. In fact, I would consider my dad to be unhealthily attached in certain ways but maybe I just don't understand marriage.

"now the ads are much more subtle, but we still feel it. i'm really sensitive to that. it's fucked with my head on so many levels. you subconsciously normalize it. my therapist tells me i'm an attractive woman, but if i didn't have to go to work five days a week most days i wouldn't even go out because i'm scared because i think i am unattractive which significantly lowers my quality of life. the pressure of having to be beautiful which is actually something that is beyond my control what genetics I was born with."

Ads fuck with everyone's head. That's what they are designed to do. You're not alone in this.

"people tell me all the time i'm pretty. men stop me in the street, give me things. sometimes men ask me for my number in the grocery store or tell me i'm beautiful.. but i live with an overwhelming shame and guilt of what i'm not sure if i'm just crazy or if this is the experience of being a woman in this post-liberal feminism modern society world."

I don't feel guilt but I feel shame often. And anxiety. I often feel like the world has gone crazy and everyone has lost touch. I don't think you're alone in this. I think there are a lot of people out there who feel like this but don't even know what's wrong, what to do, who to talk to, or where to go. I think these feelings are rooted in things deeper than patriarchy. I think it's the alienation of our age, and the bewilderment of people by the sheer complexity of our society.

"Is it possible to be a "success" as a woman? Even if you have kids, you still go through menopause if you live long enough. And what success is having kids anyway? I'm not sure. I don't have any."

I don't think I'm capable of answering that. I don't think you should have kids out of a desire to succeed. I think you should do it because you want to or because it brings you joy. Loving and caring for something and watching it grow can be motivating and grounding, at least I imagine so, that time hasn't come yet for me but I hope some time in the future.

"Men reject women in a big way in the dating world though."

Yes I imagine so. I think both sides have their difficulties and dating simply just isn't fair a lot of the time. Some people are very lucky with looks, life situations, charisma, etc.

"All these feelings of inadequacy stem from that, don't they? All these societal pressures and stigmas. They all seem to stem from this unsustainable war creating system. right? Do you think so?"

I don't think so. Inadequacy and stigma has probably existed since the beginning of time. We may just be more poorly equipped to handle it right now.